Love Trips: Self-Help

The last dose of love trips for 2006! Thank you all for reading and being incredibly supportive. Till next year...

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=11266

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Reading Between The Lines

Do you read between the lines? Find out on this week's "Love Trips".

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=10974

Sujeiry

Love Trips: A Simple "I Love You"

Saying "I love you"...simple?

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=10786

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Back Tracking

What happens when the past comes back? Find out on this weeks "Love Trips".

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=10519

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Conchita Parte Dos

Its Love Trip's 6 month anniversary! Wow, how time flies : ) Enjoy this column. We have a returning guest...

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=9451

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Sensing Change

Can you sense when a relationship is changing? Read on.

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=6687

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Blessed Intervention

Have you sought divine intervention?

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=6414

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Seeing Green

Envy, envy who do you think you are....check out how I deal with envy : )

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=5388

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Fear of Falling

What fears hold you back? Check out my new column.

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=4380

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Love En Espanol

As always, enjoy!

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=2528

Sujeiry

Love Trips: Telling Secrets

Can you keep your lovers secrets?

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=2351

Love Trips: Lights, Camera, "The Talk!"

How would you handle "the talk"? Check out my story...

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=1304

Love Trips: An Easy Prude

Column number four is up and running! Enjoy and pass it on : )

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=1155

Love Trips: Win My Heart

Here is the third column!

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=957

Love Trips: Joining The French

Heres the link. Enjoy!

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=765

The Debut of My Column "Love Trips"

My column is up and running! Heres the link:

http://www.migente.com/news/article.html?news_item_id=571

Pass on this email to ALL your friends, acquantainces, co-workers, family members...anyone who's breathing and literate! Lets make this a hit people! And be sure to post comments!


P.S. I am so excited!

Sujeiry

Migente Column Update

Just wanted to let you all know that my migente relationship column will be up and running by late April! I will send an email with the link when it launches and post the link onto the blog. It will be great!

Till then,

Sujeiry

Surprise, suprise...

I have some exciting news! “In the Words of a 20 Something” is going into early retirement due to upcoming projects. But don’t fret my pets. My relationship saga continues on migente.com. My first column will be posted Monday, April 17th ( I will send an email then with the link). For now it will be a biweekly column, but I am positive that with all your support and visits (lots of them I tell you!) the new column will become as successful as my blog.

I first began this blog to entertain the masses and to discipline myself as a writer. Then it became a form of therapy (for myself and maybe even some of you). It felt great to expose myself completely - my thoughts, feelings, and personality - and to work through some war wounds. It felt liberating to be so raw and open. I couldn’t have done this without my loyal and supportive readers. I want to thank you all and I hope you all continue reading on migente. There are also a few people I would like to thank individually:

Jason - Who would of thought an argument would have led to all of this? Again, thanks for helping me see the light.

Jessica - You published my first article and now this! You’re making all my professional goals come to fruition. Thank you, thank you, thank you. To future success and finally meeting!

Adayna - Thank you for Jessica’s email and for pushing me to make the connection. I may have to listen to you more : )

Perla - My number one defender! You've battled all the negative comments because you’re loyal and you love me.

Teresa - You’ve always said “follow your passion”. Your wise words are a big part of my success.

Joey - You believed in my creative talent and even compared me to a famous author. It felt wonderful. Thank you for the support.

"George" and "Ivan" - Thanks for the material and for not taking things personally. As for "Elijah", he can talk to the hand cause...well, you know.

I would like to finish by sharing two promises I’ve made for myself regarding romance: 1) I promise to settle with a man who accepts me in every way. Someone who will see my inner, not just my outer, beauty. 2) I promise I will no longer hold on to a finished relationship. If it's over, then it's over.

I have sent the promises into the universe. There’s no going back now! Continue reading and we will see how it all unfolds...

Sujeiry

The Good Lie

I consider myself to be a pretty good liar, and I owe it all to my sister Adriana, who at fourteen years old showed me what not to say or do during the act of lying. I watched in horror as mami asked Adriana why she had a tube of fuchsia pink lipstick, a black eyeliner pencil, and black mascara. Adriana dodged mami’s stare and lied; explained that the make-up mami found in her book bag was a friend’s and that she hadn’t worn any. Mami paused and Adriana and I watched as her expression changed from angry to hesitant. Adriana’s confidence – a crucial factor when lying – wavered. She suddenly began to cry, providing mami with incriminating evidence – mascara stained cheeks.

I realized that in order to survive mami’s strict rules I would need to master the art of lying. I began to practice immediately, diving into the pool of small lies first. At age twelve I told mami I had finished my homework when in fact I had done the homework in class. At age thirteen I skipped Academic Bowl practice to go to the Art Club instead. I felt like a mastermind and soon began to dive into twelve feet. At sixteen years old I greeted mami while drunk, stating I was simply tired. I waved hello while maintaining my balance and my distance, then shut myself in the bathroom and brushed my teeth three times. At eighteen mami found a carton of cigarettes lying on top of a birthday gift. I told her the cigarettes were a friend’s, assured her I had never smoked, and then added: Why would I leave the carton of cigarettes out if I were hiding them from you? Simply brilliant.

Now that I am older, I am honest. But from time to time my mind wanders to the image of mami clenching Adriana’s make-up and lying seems safer. That's exactly how I felt about the situation with Ivan but even still I decided to come clean. The next day after we kissed I stood in the middle of his living room, rattling on and attempting to express myself, while Ivan starred at me and smiled. He wasn’t sure what to make of my freak out so he walked over to me, grabbed me by the waist, and kissed me. I kissed him back and couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth.

A few days later, I decided to try again. I picked up my cell phone and returned Ivan’s call. My heart beat quickened with every ring. Ivan answered the telephone, we chatted for a few minutes, and then I began my spiel.

“I’m having a really hard time with everything,” I said.

That’s not a lie.

“I think you’re stressing yourself out without needing to,” he replied.

I paused and thought of the right words to make him understand. I couldn't find any.

“I’m just confused because I think I still have feelings for my ex.”

That’s not necessarily a lie.

“Last time you were here you freaked out a little bit, but then you were fine. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s all in you head,” Ivan said.

I began to pace and weigh my options. The truth was he wasn’t accepting my explanations. The truth was I couldn’t tell him the truth. I summoned my inner liar and jumped into the deep end.

“You know what. You’re right. It is me. I’m really messed up because of Elijah. I just haven’t been able to move on. I can’t see myself with anyone right now. I just want to be alone…” I continued.

“So you’re basically waiting for this guy until he decides to be with you, if he ever decides to be with you again?” he asked.

I could sense his astonishment and annoyance but still continued spewing lies. I heard myself saying yes, that I was willing to wait. I painted myself as a woman in denial and somewhat of a masochist, all for the sake of sparing his feelings and sparing myself feelings of discomfort. I preferred to taint Ivan’s image of me than to taint his image of himself. I convinced myself it was a good lie because I had lied for the good of all.

BESO! Or beso?

The protagonists of novelas love with great intensity and passion. I watch as they run into each others arms and embrace. The sound of violins and guitars exploding through the television set and increasing in volume as Luis Alberto brushes Maria’s cheek with his fingertips. Maria’s lower lip then trembles with desire. They gaze into one another’s eyes - watery and filled with longing - and whisper te deseo, no puedo mas, BESAME!. They finally kiss, a passionate, lust-filled, amorous BESO!. They caress each others backs, gently tug tresses, and rub on each others booties. The passion between Luis Alberto and Maria is so intense and thrilling that it moves the audience - watching from their love seats and sofas at home - to tune in each and every night.

We all want to feel this dramatic and electrifying spark. We all want to end up with someone we desire so we can feel the heat that allows lovers to romp around the grounds of Central Park during a hot summer night. That fiery chemistry that tempts two lovers to fondle one another while grooving on a dance floor or while sitting in a movie theater. I have felt that passion in all my past relationships. It was instant with Kurt - the first man I fell head over heels for. All Kurt had to do was tickle the small of my back and my skin would fill with goose bumps and my body would tremble. It was even instant with George, my now friendly ghost. Though he wasn’t my type we clicked, and I could never understand how their was such passion between us. How someone who was so different from me could turn me on by simply kissing the back of my knees.

It was no wonder I was looking for the same kind of passion with Ivan. I was hoping to feel a spark that could transcend our relationship from platonic to romantic. That’s why I went to Ivan’s apartment the night after our friend’s birthday party. I wanted to explore the connection I knew we were both feeling. But I was hesitant the entire night. Instead of making myself comfortable on the couch beside him, I sat away from him, on a chair, in front of his computer desk. Instead of going in for a kiss when he walked me back to my apartment building, I gave him a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. But the next morning I laid across my queen-sized bed and pictured Ivan and I together. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would feel like to have Ivan’s arms around my petite frame. My body tingled a little. It could actually be nice. Then Elijah’s face appeared, interrupting the lovely fairy tale forming in my mind with a new man. My eyes shot open and I shook my head as if I had water in my ears. Maybe that’s what I needed, a quick shake, a smack on the head, a bold and unpredictable move to rid me of the memory of my relationship with Elijah, a relationship that had officially ended a year prior. I jolted out of bed, decided to take control, and made plans to see Ivan again.

Later on that night, I found myself walking back to my apartment building with Ivan. My heels clicked against the pavement as Ivan and I filled the silence with honest conversation.

“I really like spending time with you,” he said.

“Me too,” I replied.

I really meant it. He was the only man who always managed to stimulate me mentally.

“This has kind of caught me off guard,” he said.

I nodded, looked up at him and smiled. We turned the corner and walked down the hill toward Audubon Avenue. The cold wind hit my face and I shivered. Ivan raised his left arm away from his side and I hooked my arm onto his, finding warmth inside his coat pocket. The background music began. The violins harmonized with one another, overlapping as if in a round. The guitars played in a staccato manner, quick and short, filling my heart with anxiety and anticipation.

We were finally in front of my building and I knew I had to do something. I had to find out if Ivan and I could love intensely and passionately, like the Luis Alberto’s and Maria’s of Telemundo and Univision. I moved closer to Ivan, wrapped my arms around him, and softly kissed his lips. One small peck to test my feelings and comfort level. Ivan then grabbed my waist and brought me even closer. His lips parted. He kissed me. It was happening. I soon pulled away and immediately realized there was something missing. The heat, the spark, the fiery chemistry was missing. I gave Ivan a peck on the lips goodbye and turned away quickly to open the door. I knew what had to be done. I knew I wanted the entire package. This Maria would have to wait for her own Luis Alberto, because we both deserved to have the heat, the spark, the fiery chemistry, the connection, that BESO!

The Familiar

After a long time of singlehood, every unattached man begins to look enticing. I begin to consider my friend Ricky, who usually greets his comrades with the biggest bottle of Bacardi. I have watched him impress women with hilarious dance moves, including the salsa pause, where he holds his leg in mid air, and his signature move - the backwards, vibrating roll - and think, maybe? My friend Henry also comes to mind, because he doesn’t mind when I rattle on for hours. The only peep he makes while I rant is his steady breathing and an occasional “wow” or “I don’t know what to tell you”. And then there is Steve, my female-loving friend who is as sensitive as a woman. I begin to wonder if we can be more than friends who discuss each other’s destructive behavior patterns and in turn gloat when we finally “realize” something.

I found myself mentally preparing my list of potentials once again, after Alejandro failed to return my call. I subtracted my number of attached friends, added the number of available old flames I could reminisce with, and the result was Elijah. But this was before I bumped into Ivan - an acquaintance of many years - at a mutual friend’s birthday celebration.

Ivan and I greeted each other with a kiss on the cheek. He then began to mingle with the others, gazing over at me ever so often. I turned away, unsure if I felt pleased or annoyed with the attention. I then felt his body brush against my back. From the corner of my eye I noticed his mischievous smirk. I was definitely annoyed.

After a few round of drinks, we all decided to call it a night. Ivan and I looked at one another, realizing we would have to take a cab together as we both lived in Washington Heights. I wasn’t sure if I was up for the ride, but when he hailed a cab I scooted myself in. During the cab ride, Ivan and I began to talk. We spoke openly about life and relationships. The conversation eased my discomfort but I felt my level of confusion rising as we exited the cab and continued to speak inside my building.

After an hour of conversation, Ivan suggested going for coffee. I agreed and we began our hunt, walking up and down blocks in search for an open restaurant. The search proved to be futile and I was disappointed. The truth then hit me; I wanted to spend more time with Ivan.

“Do you have coffee in you apartment?” I asked while we walked aimlessly.

“Yeah, I do,” he replied.

“Well, we’re so close. Why don’t we just go there?”

Ivan agreed. We arrived at his high rise building and took the elevator. The elevator doors soon opened to his floor and we headed toward Ivan’s apartment. I waited quietly as he unlocked his door and, as I stepped into his small apartment, wondered what I was doing. Ivan always intrigued me as a person and he was familiar. But was that enough? I turned around, watched as he locked the door behind me, and thought...it just may be.

"Purr" Said The Tigress

At times I am like a tigress. I target my prey while remaining unnoticeable. I prance around and observe its movements. I assess my prey from a distance, calculating the best time to rush in and pounce. Unfortunately, my inner tigress usually disappears after the attack is complete. Something within me then shifts. I don’t use sharp teeth or pointy claws to devour my prize. I begin to fumble, loose my focus, and become jittery. The tigress inside me transforms into a harmless kitten high on catnip.

My inner tigress has been with me all my life. She was with me in high school when I pushed a torpedo, disguised as a tongue, out of my mouth. She was with me after college when a date demanded I pay for a bartender’s tip. I stood up from the bar stool, grabbed my coat and growled: I am the woman! My date paid for the tip and later treated me to an Italian feast. I gobbled a big heaping plate of pasta with meat sauce, sucked my fingers, and licked my lips in triumph.

The tigress was also with me the day I invited myself out to lunch with Alejandro, the bartender from Shampoo Nightclub. I had no problem sliding between two girls standing at the bar and grabbing his attention. I had no problem seductively roaring “I’ll call you”. But I had a problem two days later when I realized I actually had to make the call.

I picked up the napkin covered in blue ink and read Alejandro’s name and number aloud. My hands began to sweat. I began to pace. I dropped the napkin on top of my desk when entering my bedroom for the third time in seconds. It was official. I had lost my inner tigress. I began a search. I flipped over my bed skirt and fell to my knees. My hands brushed the carpeting underneath the bed to only find Elijah’s old, charcoal gray, slippers. I pulled them out and placed them on my feet. They felt warm as if he had just worn them. I walked over to the closet, swimming in the size ten slippers yet feeling comfortable. I looked atop the closet shelf, stacked with boxes of old letters, old cassettes, and old journals, and found Elijah’s brown leather wallet. He had left it during his last visit. I reached for the wallet and held it in my hands. The leather was cold and dusty as it had been stored away in my closet for months. I paused, clenched Elijah’s wallet in my hand and glanced back at the napkin sitting on my desk. Elijah isn’t coming back. Enough is enough. I walked toward the desk with the same caution of a tigress when stalking its next meal. I picked up the napkin, walked toward my cell phone, and exhaled.

The telephone rang and rang. My pulse quickened with each long ring. The machine soon picked up. My inner tigress had to shine.

“Hey Alejandro, this is Sujeiry. I met you at Shampoo two nights ago. Um, give me a call whenever you get the chance. Oh and um, my number is a New York number because that’s where I’m from. I’m still in South Jersey even though it’s a New York number. I mean I live in South Jersey, for school. I just never changed it. Ok, bye.”

I hung up and cringed. I let the napkin drop to the floor, cozied up on my love seat, and let out a soft purr. I had captured my prey with the smoothness and cleverness of a tigress to only morph into a harmless, restless kitten. All I needed was a ball of yarn and some tasty catnip.

Stripping My Way To Sanity

Dancing is like therapy. Instead of expressing my feelings while lying on a leather couch or sitting upright on a chair facing someone with a pleasant disposition, I pump my radio, shake my ass, and pretend I’m a stripper working a pole. I wiggle around, turn and twist and bounce. I loosen my hair and whip my long locks from side to side. I "Drop It like It's Hot" to maintain my sanity.

After Elijah’s sudden and shocking disappearance, I was in desperate need of dance therapy. I flipped through my CD case and slid the Christina Aguilera CD out of its pocket. I blew away the dust from the silvery backing and placed Stripped in position. The sound of drums, violins, and electric guitars from Christina Aguilera’s "Make Over" blared from my mini-speakers. My hips shimmied as the rhythm quickened. The violins came together in crescendo and I attempted to choreograph a routine. My long legs ran in place, like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. My feet slid across the carpeted floor in honor of Michael Jackson. My shoulders pumped and popped like that of cute little boys and girls in rap videos. I then picked up my hair brush and it magically transformed into a diamond-studded, surround-sound microphone. I began to sing with Christina like we were a perfect duet: So sick and tired of being so misused/You’re taking me down with all your mental abuse/And I said, I gotta get you outta my head.

"Make Over" was soon over but I was still left with negative emotions. There was a lot more therapy to be done so I picked up my cell and made plans to go "Shake My Bon Bon" at Shampoo.

I arrived at Shampoo nightclub in Philadelphia with my friend Dana and three other girls. I rushed in, trampling and scuffing the shiny wooden dance floor with my high heels, and positioned myself by one loud speaker. The girls followed my lead and we began to dance. One of my favorite house songs soon played: Down, down, down, down, down. I lifted myself onto a small platform and brought my ass down as the song commanded. While I danced above the rest, my eyes scanned the darkened space. In between flashes of blue and green strobe lights, I spotted a very sexy man – the bartender – and was suddenly thirsty. I stepped off the platform and walked over to the bar. I watched him as he filled a cup with ice, then vodka, then tonic.

“Hi. Can I have a rum and coke please?”

He looked over at me and exposed a beautiful set of straight, white teeth. He turned around while picking up a bottle of Bacardi and I faced his nice, grabbable ass. He poured my drink and his muscles flexed.

“You’re Latino, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m Venezuelan and Columbian. How did you know?” he replied.

“Cause I’ve perfected the skill of targeting my own kind,” I replied with a smile.

He laughed and handed me my rum and coke.

“The drinks on me, and I’m Alejandro by the way,” he said while giving me his hand.

I shook his hand and introduced myself before taking my first sip.

“Where are you from?” he asked.

“I’m Dominican, from New York. But I’m here for school. I go to Rowan University in Glassboro.”

“I go to Rutgers in Camden,” he responded.

“Really? I work in Camden. You should take me out to lunch some time.”

The words spilled from my mouth. I was shocked by my boldness, and even more so, by my willingness to move on and put Elijah behind me. It seemed the therapy was working. Alejandro grabbed a white napkin from a stack, picked up a pen from the register, wrote his name and number down, and handed me the napkin.

“Call me. I would love to take you out to lunch,” he said.

I nodded and planted a soft kiss on his cheek before walking away. I went back to Dana and her friends, who were all spread across the platform. "Hollaback Girl" was blasting from the speakers. The floor vibrated as the crowd jumped with the rhythms. I jumped onto the platform and began to perform all my dance moves. One by one, every other girl cleared the platform. I commanded the audience. I took control, released my sorrow, and soothed my soul. I danced song after song, grinding my body onto the wall behind me as if it were my very own stripper pole.

Welcome to La La Land, USA!

I once was a resident of La La Land, USA. I lived in a cozy studio apartment, decorated with framed photos and memories of past boyfriend’s. Red paper hearts covered the white walls. The one birthday card my ex-boyfriend Cole gave me, signed from me and my boys, stood atop my entertainment center. And I set a statue of Cupid and a gray porcelain elephant next to the birthday card for luck.

Besides the occasional appearance of Conchita, a trying game of Limbo, and a few ghosts, living in La La Land was pretty uneventful. Even still La La Land was overflowing with residents. My friend Laura joined the town on the night of her 26th birthday celebration. Laura’s boyfriend stood tall, ogling me between swigs. I avoided his nonverbal advances and watched Laura beam as she kissed him. It was official. Laura would pack her bags and become my neighbor that very night.

I was persuaded to leave Laura and La La Land two weeks after Elijah and I had our sexual encounter. This retreat is just temporary! I exclaimed before joining my friends in Glassboro, New Jersey. We were going to dance the night away at the happening club, The Spot, where Elijah also frequented. I walked in and scanned the small room. Young college boys stood by the bar, taking advantage of the “two-dollar you-call-it” drinks, while white sorority girls danced to their own rhythm and rubbed against one another in their temporary state of drunken lesbianism. The music pumped from the speakers as my friends and I made our way to the dance floor. My hips swung and my ass gyrated as I sang along to Don’t Cha. I jiggled and shook what my momma gave me, my arms raised in celebration. The song came to an end and I spotted Noel, Elijah’s friend, standing by the door in his black two-piece Bouncer uniform. He smiled and waved me over.

“Hey girl, long time no see,” said Noel as he gave me a hug.

“Yeah I haven’t been going out much, just been at home lately,” I replied.

He took a step back and smiled.

“Have you talked to Elijah lately?” he asked.

I paused, wondered if he knew Elijah and I had reunited two weeks prior.

“Yeah actually. We just hung out.”

“Oh wow, I didn’t know you guys were cool like that still. So what? Are you back together?” Noel asked.

The question circled my thoughts. Are we back together? Well, we’re not apart. But we haven’t talked about us. But he did tell me he missed me. I looked away, confused.

“Hey, it’s alright. I know how it is. You guys are hanging out, you know, doing your thing...,” said Noel.

My jaw dropped. I knew what he meant. He was labeling Elijah as my booty buddy, or was it the other way around? I felt the need to explain.

“No, it’s not like that at all. Elijah knows me better than that. He knows that I’m a relationship girl. Besides he cares about me too much to put me in that situation.”

“Oh he cares. He definitely cares,” replied Noel with a tinge of sarcasm.

I remained silent, secretly wishing I had stayed in La La Land.

“Just be careful. You may think this is one thing and it can be something completely different for him.”

I smiled half-heartedly, thanked Noel for his concern, and danced my way through the drunken and clueless crowd. I went back to La La Land that very night and had a great nights rest.

A week later Elijah called and promised he would come for a visit. I waited up till two in the morning but he never showed. I tossed and turned till four in the morning but he never called. The next morning I left Elijah a message, demanding better treatment, respect, and to be placed as a priority on his list. Elijah never returned my call. I packed my bags and terminated the lease of my studio apartment immediately. I left La La Land, USA to start a new life in the beautiful town of Reality Check.

Staying Cool

I have always known the importance of being cool. Just to be cool I confronted Grace the Grape after she had spread rumors that my family bathed with pigs. I walked over to her with my miniature but intimidating posse, shook my seven-year-old neck like a snake, and pinched her left cheek till her olive skin turned grape. I left Grace in tears, my posse behind me, and I was so cool. I also dethroned Linda, the new girl in my sixth grade class, in the name of coolness. In the middle of lunch I asked my new posse to cast their votes. Raise your hand if you like me, I asked. Six hands were raised, including mine and Linda’s. Raise your hand if you hate Linda. Five hands were raised, minus Linda’s. She never sat with us at lunch again and I was totally cool. And I can’t forget how many cool points I earned when I spotted my high school boyfriend leaving his dormitory with another girl. Instead of pulling her hair out and coloring his pale cheek red, I pretended to be unaffected, waved and smiled. I walked away and I was cooler than cool.

My capacity to stay cool was of the utmost importance when Elijah and I reunited. I had to show him I looked great, felt great, and was great, without him. It was a Monday night. My stomach churned as I waited for the buzz of my doorbell to indicate his arrival. I began to adjust myself on the coach – legs crossed, legs uncrossed, legs crossed – when there was a knock, not a buzz, on my door. My heart pounded as I uncrossed my legs and walked toward the knock. My clammy hands twisted the lock, unchained the chain, clenched the golden knob and opened the door. There he was – tall, dark and handsome – and there I was – jittery, clammy, but still cool. I took a step back and waved him in. Elijah then wrapped his arms around me in an embrace. I turned my face to prevent him from kissing my lips, pecked his cheek, and let go.

“You look beautiful,” he said.

“Thanks,” I replied. “Come on, sit down.”

Elijah walked over to my loveseat, took a seat, and stretched out on the couch. I sat a few inches away, facing him.

“Come here and give me another hug,” he said.

I obliged, leaned over and held him for as long as I could without loosing my cool.

“God I haven’t seen you in so long,” he said as I let go.

I nodded and smiled, as he traced the curves of my face, my breasts, and my legs with his eyes. My legs shook. My hands were clammier. I felt my coolness slipping, transforming itself into a blend of giddiness and cheesiness.

For an hour, we sat on the coach and spoke of classes, schedules, and work. I refused to react when his hand brushed mine, when he rested his warm hand on my thigh, when he said he had to get going. We stood by the open door, my hand on the lock and his hand on my waist, and I knew what was coming. Elijah held me tight; my chest pressed against his chest. My breathe quickened. My body struggled. I have to pull away. I twisted my neck, looked away from his hypnotic gaze and faced the open door. His arms remained around my waist.

“Can I kiss you?” Elijah asked.

My eyes darted from the door to his eyes and then back to the door. I wanted him to kiss me, but then he would know I still cared.

“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t know – “

“If you don’t want me to kiss you then I won’t,” Elijah replied.

His arms loosened their grip.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to, is just that, I don’t know if it should happen because of everything…”

Elijah picked me up and kissed me. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed, just like before. We went to my bedroom and made love, just like before. I had lost the battle, lost my throne, and was indeed affected. I was so not cool.

Little Debbie and Elijah

I usually receive what I want when I am no longer looking for it. Just recently I wanted to treat myself to my favorite treat, a Brownie Obsession, when I opened mami’s freezer and spotted a pint of Vanilla Häagen Dazs ice cream. There was only one ingredient missing - a Little Debbie chocolate and macadamia covered brownie – so I decided to venture to the bodega to find the missing half of the Obsession. When I entered the bodega on 190th and Audubon, I walked straight to the snack cart located in the main isle and spotted Hostess cakes, Twinkies, the crackers with the cheddar cheese on the side, and packs of chocolate chip cookies. I lifted a box, saw some Nutty Bars, but did not find my Little Debbie. I rummaged through a few more cardboard boxes, was relieved they still made Chocodiles, but did not find my Little Debbie. I looked through the potato chip bin, grabbed a bag of BBQ chips, but did not find my Little Debbie.

My short trip soon transformed into a twenty-minute scavenger hunt. I visited four bodegas, searching for my brownie underneath cartons and in between metal crates, muttering vulgarities under my breath, and lecturing the owners who sat behind their registers about the importance of restocking. I finally decided to go home empty handed after having walked a three block radius. I was forced to forget my obsession and abandon my quest.

Two days later, I arrived at my apartment in South Jersey. I opened up the refrigerator and spotted a brown paper bag on the last shelf. I picked up the bag, peeked inside, and found half of a Little Debbie. It was just enough for a single serving of a Brownie Obsession, even though I had forgotten my initial craving.

The same scenario occurred with Elijah. After a month of unreturned calls, I had given up on my obsession and wanted to begin dating again. Then I received an email from him. It read: Call me. I don't have your number. I stared at the screen, moved the arrow over the Reply button but closed the message instead.

Two days after receiving the email I caved and decided to call Elijah. I muted my television set, picked up my cell, and thumbed through my cell phone’s directory. I scrolled passed the letter E three times but did not find his name and number. Then it hit me. I had deleted his phone number as the final step in my “moving on” process. In an attempt to visualize the ten digits that comprised his number, I closed my eyes. But I could only remember 609 - the area code. I stretched out on my sofa, wondering if I should abandon this quest, but decided to brainstorm instead. I’ll call Verizon. Or better yet, look through last month’s cell phone bill. I’m sure it’ll be there somewhere. And then I remembered the torn piece of notebook paper I kept in my shoe box of memories. Elijah had written his number on that scrap of paper when we first met and I still had it. I walked over to my closet, brought down the box and there it was. His name and number written in his messy handwriting. I grabbed my cell and made the call.

“Babe, you won’t believe what I was doing right now!”

The excitement in his voice surprised me. He spoke to me as if we were still a couple.

“What?” I asked.

“I was looking for the sheet of paper with your number right when you called.”

My eyes watered and I said:

“You know what they say, when you’re thinking of someone their thinking of you.”

“I guess you’re right. I didn’t think you were gonna to call. I emailed you a few days ago.”

“I know, but I’ve been busy.”

I lied. He paused for a second before replying.

“I just passed by Bozorth tonight since you always have your classes there to see if I would see you,” he said.

“I don’t have class on Wednesdays.”

Another pause before he said:

“Listen, I want to see you. Maybe I can pass by.”

I began pacing, searching for something to say.

“I’ll call you,” he said.

“Ok, call me.”

We said our goodbyes. I closed my cell and stretched back on my loveseat. I had received what I wanted when I least expected it, my Little Debbie and Elijah.

Naturally

Certain things come naturally for people. It comes natural for my friend Chloe to walk to her mirror, comb over her long locks, and exclaim “I’m a sexy bitch”. It comes natural for my friend Penelope to suggest a trade – purchasing beautiful bridesmaid gowns or taking a trip for her bachelorette fiesta – to lower costs for her wedding party. It comes natural for my cousin Kayla to inspect pieces of cooked chicken in search of potential “pinkness” that may cause salmonella. I am no different. Though I don’t praise myself like you would a Greek goddess or accuse restaurants of potential food poisoning, I have an unexplainable addiction to Coco Rico and Puerto Ricans, a natural dislike for mushy foods, and, though I can’t sit through a single horror movie, I am drawn to vampire flicks and watch as the vampires suck your blood. But what is most natural is my constant need for immediate results and quick answers. It is why I returned to the world of Tarot and the Barajas after my ass whooping. Nothing felt more natural than sitting with a psychic advisor and having my future predicted.

I followed the psychic down the long corridor, where wet clothes hung from her self-made clothesline. She waved me into the kitchen and motioned me to sit down on a plastic-covered chair. I sat as she opened a drawer and picked up a pack of cards. She then carried her robust body toward the stove, twisted the front knob, and lit a white candle with the flame.

“A quien es que conoces?” she asked while taking a seat across from me.

(Who is it that you know?)

“Chloe – ella venido donde usted para leerse las barajas,” I replied.

(Chloe – she’s come to you to get her cards read.)

“No me recuerdo de ella, pero lla estas aqui, verdad?”

(I don’t remember her, but you’re already here, right?)

I nodded. My heartbeat quickened as she shuffled the cards. She placed them on the kitchen table and asked me to split the cards into two piles, just like the Dominican-Spanish-speaking psychic. My hands shook as I did what was instructed. I then pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from my purse in order to write her predictions.

“Ay un muchacho - mas joven que tu, trigeñito, alto – el va a volver donde ti,” she said.

(There’s a guy – younger, dark skinned, tall – he will come back.)

I smiled. My muscled relaxed and I began to breathe. I knew it was Elijah. I jotted it down. She then recapped our history – the break-up, his ex, everything – and told me about his current status. Elijah hadn’t returned to his ex. He didn’t want to be with her though she constantly called. I felt my faith being restored, and then she said:

“Tu y el vuelven, pero va ser diferente. El esta por aqui, por alla, metido en muchas cosas. Si el no te enseña que va ser responsable, que tu puedes contar con el, no van a durar.”

(You will get back together but it’ll be different. He’s here, there, involved in many things. If he doesn’t show you that he will be responsible, that you can count on him, then you two won’t last.)

I sat there, silent, and remembered his behavior over the past months. Elijah had been unreliable and scattered. But maybe he will change. It came natural for me to focus on the positive.

“Yo quiero preguntarle algo,” I asked.

(I want to ask you something.)

I paused for a second, wondered if I really wanted to know the answer.

"El es el hombre para mi?” I asked.

(Is he the one?)

She scanned over the cards, looked at one, then another and said:

“No, no es el hombre para ti.”

I lowered my head and scribbled “he’s not the one for me”. While I folded the sheet of paper, she said:

“Pero va ver otro hombre en tu vida. El es alto, indiesito como tu, pelo negro. Lo vas a conocer este año. Te va gustar mucho y van ha estar juntos.”

(But there will be another man in your life. He is tall, your skin color, black hair. You will meet him this year. You will like him a lot and you will be together.)

I opened the sheet of paper once again and wrote: “another man, tall, my color, this year”. I paused, reread the prediction and contemplated crossing out the words. But I didn’t. The words “he’s not the one for me” caught my eye. I immediately turned the page over to find the other prediction. “We will be together again –“ We will be together again. I ignored the rest, naturally.

Whooping Ass

No one likes to get a beat down, but sometimes it's necessary to be smacked around a little bit. Baby bottoms’ must be smacked after babies are pushed from their cozy womb. Male cheeks should be smacked after male hands grab female cheeks. Lips of sons and daughters could be smacked if those same lips shout “I hate you!” to mamas. I’ve experienced necessary beatings myself. Mami once whacked me with a pink leather belt after she caught me throwing pieces of platanos out the kitchen window. A nurse struck my arm over and over again to get my stubborn vein to “pop”. My head was smashed onto a headboard during a night of great sex. But none of these beat downs compared to the ones I received by Elijah during Limbo. The thrashings were necessary for my awakening.

The first punch was swung a few weeks after Elijah had picked up his things. I called him and told him I missed him. He threw a jab and told me he had spent the night before drinking beers with his ex-girlfriend but that his feelings for me hadn’t changed. I swung back, told him he was a full of shit and that I never wanted to speak to him again.

Two weeks later, I bobbed and weaved in an attempt to duck his upper cuts. He said my dramatic reaction reinforced his decision to be single. His words caught me off guard. I lost my concentration and was hit.

During my 27th birthday there was another rumble. He failed to show up to my pre-birthday celebration. I was liquored up, ENRAGED, therefore drank and dialed about twenty times. He didn’t pick up once. The next morning I woke up with a hang over and battered cheek.

The biggest beating came after six months of Limbo. I decided to remain in Philadelphia for the night after flying in from Miami. I hoped Elijah and I could spend some time together though the possibility of a beating was certain. While pressing send on my cell phone and hearing the rings, I prayed for a truce.

“Hey, I got a hotel room. So I will be staying the night,” I said.

“Where are you staying?” he asked.

“The Doubletree Hotel, it’s really nice.”

“Yeah I know that hotel. I’ve stayed there before.” he said.

His hook made direct contact with my jaw. My jaw dropped and my eyes watered. I couldn’t believe he was reliving a moment in a hotel room, possibly a moment with his ex. I inhaled and regained my composure.

“So are we gonna hang out?” I asked.

“I have to go to a barbecue at my brother’s girl’s house and to a few others. I don’t know how long I’ll be. It may be too late.”

I inhaled and tried again.

“It’s ok. It’s a holiday. We’ll go to a bar for a few hours.” I said.

“I’ll have to drive out there and then drive back. All that just for a few hours – “

“So what does that mean? We’re not going to see each other?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, babe. I’ll have to see,” he replied.

Smack! My face swung from right to left. With cell in hand, I began to pace across the carpeted floor before stopping in front of the long mirror. My expression was somber. My eyes lacked shine. Bruises began to form underneath my eyes and right cheek.

“So you want me to wait. I don’t want to be stuck inside, here –“

“I hate that you always wait to see what I’m doing to make plans! Go out and have fun regardless of what I’m doing! Don’t wait for me!”

Jab! Jab! Upper cut! Smack! Hook! Teeth cracked. Saliva flung from my mouth. Crimson red flowed from my lips. I stared at my reflection. I stared at the mess. He thought I was dependent on him. He thought I was holding him back. There was no “us”. That was the reality.

I mumbled a goodbye while holding back tears of pain. He said he would call back but it didn’t matter. Denial was being stripped away. Hope vanished with every throb, every black and blue, every necessary beat down. I fell onto the King sized bed and cried out loud. Just like a baby does after the first smack. I had finally awakened.

Limbo

I willingly participate in the game of Limbo. I hold the wooden stick in my hands while my body shimmies underneath it, over and over again. The game begins with a steady chant - how low can you go, how low can you go. My back then attempts to bend as a gymnast who is mastering the balance beam at the Olympics. My gaze remains locked on the ceiling. My hair dangles from my scalp, sweeping the floor. The chant quickens, crescendoes - HOW LOW CAN YOU GO, HOW LOW CAN YOU GO! The intensity pushes me further into the tricks and twists of Limbo. My determination to triumph over Limbo clouds my judgment. My lack of balance and flexibility leads me to fall flat on my ass.

I always manage to pick myself up. My ass and ego bruised. And I always engage in Limbo again because the promises of prizes and triumph entice me. I found myself dancing Limbo with Elijah after our break-up.

I lay on my bed watching Elijah pack up his Rowan sweater, blue sweat pants, and a pair of blue and green checkered pajama pants. He folded each item of clothing and zipped up his black duffel bag. I lifted my head from the pillowcase, wiped away the dampness from my cheeks, and picked up the envelope on my nightstand.

"I developed the pictures I took when Ingrid was here and we all went out," I said.

I handed him the envelope and watched his fingers pull out the pictures. I studied Elijah's gaze as he focused on one particular shot: Elijah standing behind me. His arms wrapped around my small frame. His smile wide and eyes beaming.

"This is a really nice picture," he said.

"Yeah. We were really happy," I replied.

He looked up at me, smiled a toothless smile unlike the picture in his hands and said:

"Sujeiry, I hope this doesn't ruin the chances of us getting back together. I eventually want to get back together with you."

I stood there. Relief washing away my fear of loosing him. I felt hopeful, almost happy because I believed his words, the sincerity in his eyes. Elijah picked up his duffel bag, placed it on his right shoulder and stood there, waiting for my response.

"It won't ruin it. I know you care about me. But we'll just have to see what happens," I replied.

I walked Elijah to the door, knowing what would happen. That I would wait for his return. We kissed goodbye. I stood there as he walked down the stairs with his duffel bag. The cold December air hit my bare feet; I shivered. My back leaned against the open door as I closed my eyes and imagined our eventual reunion. I closed my eyes. The chanting began - how low can you go, how low can you go . Slow and steady. I closed my eyes and envisioned myself beating Limbo.

Accepting The Process

Everything in my life follows a certain process. I put my socks on before putting on my shoes, always beginning with my right foot. I put on deodorant after putting on my shirt. And when I shop at the supermarket, I always begin in the frozen foods section. Find the neon green "Pizza" sign hanging from the ceiling, shiver while swinging open the glass door, and grab four pepperoni-topped Celeste's.

I also follow a routine after every break-up. It is emotional in nature, consisting of a lot of hope and even more denial. My break-up with Elijah was no exception.

After the door closed behind me, Elijah and I walked over to the couch, sitting on opposite ends, to discuss the future of our relationship. My body shook as he began to express himself.

"My feelings for you haven't changed. This isn't a rejection," he said.

My heart surged. I felt hopeful. I knew we could make our relationship work.

"But I still need time," he said.

He lowered his head and remained silent as my heart raced and temper flared.

"I think you should pack up your clothes," I replied.

I wanted a reaction.

"We're not breaking up," he said.

I stroked the side of his face with my right hand and smiled. I felt hopeful once again, opened my long arms and held Elijah in an embrace. I asked him for a kiss and he did so willingly. As we kissed, I strolled through the aisle of Denial, where Nostalgia and Faith were always in stock, and grabbed a handful of both. Our lips then parted. I opened the door. He said he would call. Back to hope again.

I locked the door and sat on the checkered pattered loveseat. Tears of sadness and confusion flowed for hours. I then walked to my bedroom and lay atop my green and beige comforter. Held my pillow while replaying his words in my head. We're not breaking up. We're not breaking up. We're not breaking up. The words filled me with ease. I wanted to hold on to what we had and all the good he had shown me. I fell asleep feeling hopeful.

The next morning reality hit. He wasn't lying next to me, watching me with his caramel-colored eyes as he had so many times. I couldn't call him to wish him good morning though I yearned to do so. I didn't know when I would see him next. Hope had been returned, stacked neatly in Denial behind Anger and Faith. That morning I was only left with Sadness, only left with awareness. I would have to complete the process. I would have to learn to move on and embrace Acceptance.