"Verizon is the best cell phone carrier. It’s better than T-Mobile, AT&T, Sprint, Nextel..."
I grab my cell and switch from right ear to left. I pick up my remote from my green and white striped canopy and press power. Green grass fills the screen. Little men stand still, measuring the distance from the desired holes to their balls.
"I had Sprint for a while but now I have Verizon..." He continues.
A short, tan Asian man appears. The camera zooms and the announcer's voice heightens like a little boy who has just seen his first pepa. He introduces the reason for this sudden vocal infliction...Tiger Woods. I inch forward, closer to the screen. I'm focused. Titillated. Intrigued by...golf.
"Sujeiry."
There goes Tiger. Swing! Man, that ball is flying down that grassy knoll.
"Sujeiry."
I wonder what else Tiger can swing that hard.
"Sujeiry, are you there?" The crowd claps and I snap back to my reality.
"Yeah, of course."
"So, are you?"
"Ah, well, I don't know yet." And I don't know. I have no idea what Elijah is talking about. I search my memory, seeking any nouns mentioned other than "Verizon”, "Blackberry Storm", "GPS system". Searching for anything Elijah has said of interest in this thirty-minute-too-long conversation. My ex-boyfriend from three years ago who I loved, who is back in my life is...snoozapalooza. Did he get this boring with time or am I just more fun?
Go to Love Trips: Snoozapalooza to read the rest!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Love Trips: Super Star Beggars
One day I'm going to follow the Train Super Star Beggars. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those train performers that work straphangers with their pleas and dazzle us with their commitment to get our dollars. They manage to be on every train, all day and all night. Its like they're superheroes!
In order of least popular to most popular, the Train Super Star Beggars include: the little boys with tattered t-shirts but fresh kicks that robotically state: "Ladies and gentleman, my name is Tyquan/Tyron/Tyrese and I am selling candy to raise money for my basketball team."; the skinny, toothless morenito, viejito who sings "Lean back, lean back, lean back!" all while leaning back as if working a limbo stick: and my all time favorite, the three brothers (or that's what I tell myself) that hop onto the train and hippity hop their way into my heart. House song on. Older brother kicks, drops to the floor and freezes into a b-boy pose. Middle brother smacks older bros hand, jumps in and all of a sudden we see the main star.
(Rolling down the train like a human wheel.) "Go Tito! Go Tito! Go Tito!"
Then, cute little Tito pulls out his baseball cap and asks for money.
Go to Love Trips: Super Star Beggars to read the rest!
In order of least popular to most popular, the Train Super Star Beggars include: the little boys with tattered t-shirts but fresh kicks that robotically state: "Ladies and gentleman, my name is Tyquan/Tyron/Tyrese and I am selling candy to raise money for my basketball team."; the skinny, toothless morenito, viejito who sings "Lean back, lean back, lean back!" all while leaning back as if working a limbo stick: and my all time favorite, the three brothers (or that's what I tell myself) that hop onto the train and hippity hop their way into my heart. House song on. Older brother kicks, drops to the floor and freezes into a b-boy pose. Middle brother smacks older bros hand, jumps in and all of a sudden we see the main star.
(Rolling down the train like a human wheel.) "Go Tito! Go Tito! Go Tito!"
Then, cute little Tito pulls out his baseball cap and asks for money.
Go to Love Trips: Super Star Beggars to read the rest!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Love Trips: The Dominican Carrie Bradshaw
I sat in a circle, clutching a piece of paper tinted with my love inspired words. "He took my hand and put it on his penis," I read, eyes still on the page. Laughter erupted. I smiled. They laughed just where I wanted. I continued and, once finished, sat in silence while each member of the Latina Writers Workshop critiqued my new piece.
"Hilarious!" One commented.
"You have a knack for comedy!" Another complimented.
"I want to know what happens next!" The following exclaimed.
And then one said it. The five words I've heard since Love Trips blessed the pages of migente.com and finally sitv.com before landing on lovemionline.com, or what I like to call home.
"You're the Dominican Carrie Bradshaw!"
My face scrunched up as if she'd placed that same penis I wrote about right under my nose. I didn't want that stinking penis and I sure as hell didn't want to be compared to no Carrie Bradshaw! Sure, I loved Sex and the City like every other woman in America. Sure, I related to Carrie more than any other character. I mean, I had two Mr. Big's! Go to Love Trips: The Dominican Carrie Bradshaw to read the rest!
"Hilarious!" One commented.
"You have a knack for comedy!" Another complimented.
"I want to know what happens next!" The following exclaimed.
And then one said it. The five words I've heard since Love Trips blessed the pages of migente.com and finally sitv.com before landing on lovemionline.com, or what I like to call home.
"You're the Dominican Carrie Bradshaw!"
My face scrunched up as if she'd placed that same penis I wrote about right under my nose. I didn't want that stinking penis and I sure as hell didn't want to be compared to no Carrie Bradshaw! Sure, I loved Sex and the City like every other woman in America. Sure, I related to Carrie more than any other character. I mean, I had two Mr. Big's! Go to Love Trips: The Dominican Carrie Bradshaw to read the rest!
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Love Trips: Text Sex
When I think of text sex, I picture a beefed up man typing on a cell with one hand and stroking his pene with the other. This image isn’t very arousing, especially when my imagination takes it a step further and, all of a sudden, I visualize his cell dropping and his face contorting into an ugly growl. He howls, twitches, finally orgasms, and all I want to do is scream “Eeew!” del asco! It’s like a scene out of a horror movie! But instead of chasing me down with a machete he uses his erect penis as a weapon and pokes me to death...in the eye.
Go to Love Trips: Text Sex to read the rest!
Go to Love Trips: Text Sex to read the rest!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Love Trips: Being Sujeiry and Elijah
During Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's time as a couple, they created magic. They made an upbeat, amateurish infant whose "Oooh's" and "Aah's" inspired them to dance The Shoulder Shimmy and The Pelvic Thrust. They spawned an entertaining baby that babbled on and on about kissing ass and Bobby! They brought forth creatures that are so entertaining and equally stupefying that they will live on despite Whitney and Bobby’s divorce.
No, I'm not talking about their daughter, Bobbi Kristina. I'm talking about the pop sensation, "Something in Common." If you haven't heard this masterpiece then run to your nearest computer, click on iTunes and press "download". I'm also talking about the comedic reality show that should have won an Emmy - Being Bobby Brown. A show worth watching as Bobby and Whitney proved the depth of their love when Bobby pulled a doodoo out of Whitney’s constipated culo.
Go to Love Trips: Being Sujeiry and Elijah to read the rest!
No, I'm not talking about their daughter, Bobbi Kristina. I'm talking about the pop sensation, "Something in Common." If you haven't heard this masterpiece then run to your nearest computer, click on iTunes and press "download". I'm also talking about the comedic reality show that should have won an Emmy - Being Bobby Brown. A show worth watching as Bobby and Whitney proved the depth of their love when Bobby pulled a doodoo out of Whitney’s constipated culo.
Go to Love Trips: Being Sujeiry and Elijah to read the rest!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Love Trips: Plugged
My past loves have been like human blenders. Their structures provide a function of torture and leave every piece of me soft and mushy. Not soft and mushy like a yummy chocolate frosty, but gooey and stinky like when your momma makes her special, green, sicote smelling "cure your illnesses" concoction. Yes. That's how they leave me. Gooey eyed from crying myself to sleep, and stinky cause when I'm emotionally devastated the shower is used for sobbing, not bathing.
Go to Love Trips: Plugged to read the rest!
Go to Love Trips: Plugged to read the rest!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Love Trips: No Spring Chicken
Appearing five to eight years younger than I am has had its advantages. At eighteen, I'd hop on the public buses of my then hometown of Lawrence, MA and pay fifty cents. That was the price for a seven to twelve year old but I wasn’t ashamed. Instead I forgoed the lipstick, put my hair in ponytails and even considered thrashing my body against the floor to keep my cheap ass ride.
When I turned twenty-one, I wanted to hop on men instead of buses. Wearing short shorts and mid drifts, I strutted around Lawrence during Semana Hispana (Lawrence’s poor mans version of the NYC Dominican & PR Parade) hoping to meet a Latino man. Instead I got a movie invitation by a fourteen year old and a “Diablo mami, tu si a buena!” by a twelve year old Dominican boy in Macho Man Training. I turned around and yelled, "I can be your momma!" before walking away.
Go to Love Trips: No Spring Chicken to read the rest!
When I turned twenty-one, I wanted to hop on men instead of buses. Wearing short shorts and mid drifts, I strutted around Lawrence during Semana Hispana (Lawrence’s poor mans version of the NYC Dominican & PR Parade) hoping to meet a Latino man. Instead I got a movie invitation by a fourteen year old and a “Diablo mami, tu si a buena!” by a twelve year old Dominican boy in Macho Man Training. I turned around and yelled, "I can be your momma!" before walking away.
Go to Love Trips: No Spring Chicken to read the rest!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Love Trips: I Didn't Kill Susie
Alcohol has made me do many things: some insane, some hilarious, and some plain evil. It was insane, and so unlike my somewhat prudish character, when my Puerto Rican BFF, Bacardi, unleashed my inhibitions and self-imposed rules and I slept with Johnny on our third date. In a jibaro accent, Mr. Superior yelled: Nena! Deja de ser tan cabrona y agarra ese hombre! So I did, and though I cried like a blubbering fool afterward, I felt free during those 30 minutes.
There have also been plenty of hilarious moments due to an overabundance of alcohol consumption. Like when my hard-core drinking Indian friend Janet and I stumbled down the stairs of a club in Cancun or when my Dominicanita Ceylin was so trashed she fell asleep smiling. But then there are those evil moments. Like when I gulped down half a bottle of Southern Comfort with Janet and then called Alicia, my college nemesis who was sexing Kurt, my college love interest. It wasn’t a friendly call. It was more of a “Imma-tell-your-boyfriend-from-home-about-your-sexcapades-so-don’t-fuck-with-me-pendeja” call. I scared the living shit out of Alicia and then hung up the phone triumphant. Muahahahaha!
Go to Love Trips: I Didn't Kill Susie to read the rest
There have also been plenty of hilarious moments due to an overabundance of alcohol consumption. Like when my hard-core drinking Indian friend Janet and I stumbled down the stairs of a club in Cancun or when my Dominicanita Ceylin was so trashed she fell asleep smiling. But then there are those evil moments. Like when I gulped down half a bottle of Southern Comfort with Janet and then called Alicia, my college nemesis who was sexing Kurt, my college love interest. It wasn’t a friendly call. It was more of a “Imma-tell-your-boyfriend-from-home-about-your-sexcapades-so-don’t-fuck-with-me-pendeja” call. I scared the living shit out of Alicia and then hung up the phone triumphant. Muahahahaha!
Go to Love Trips: I Didn't Kill Susie to read the rest
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Love Trips: The End of Ghetto
Sometimes I can be a little bit ghetto. That's right. This Masters degree achieving, ELA teacher certification seeking, Andover prep school graduate can roll her long neck, convert her tiny mouth into a O, and growl, "Conaso, you mother fucking pendejo!" with a thick Quisqueya Heights* accent. I can also slap an ass-grabbing White boy across the cheek, pound my fist against the window of a yellow cab, and suddenly turn around and state eloquently: "How very nice to meet you."
Check out the rest of Love Trips: The End of Ghetto!
Check out the rest of Love Trips: The End of Ghetto!
Love Trips: I See Potential Penis, People
I have a sixth sense. Not the creepy kind like that pasty, frail White boy who sees ghouls and goblins, but the kind that actually doesn't scare people. Not the kind that baraja readers claim to have; the third eye that sends voodoo shock waves into the victims of love struck clients. But the kind that actually helps people. What is this sixth sense I speak of? The kind that every woman in America, in every barrio and campo in the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, and even little villages in Africa wish they had. I can simply look at a man and know if he's going to kick it or simply kick rocks and keep on stepping.
Go to Love Trips: I See Potential Penis, People to read more!
Go to Love Trips: I See Potential Penis, People to read more!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Love Trips: My Drinking Buddy
In life, it’s great to have buddies. Buddies to count on. Buddies to bounce ideas off. Buddies to bounce on and off and on and off and on and off of…
I realized the greatness of having a handy dandy buddy at only seven years old. I sat inches away from the television, though mami warned the glare would blind me, when a little blonde boy appeared on the screen. He placed a cute, little, gray hat on his buddy – a freckled face doll with a bowl haircut – and sang: “My buddy, my buddy, my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, he goes!” The little boy swung his buddy around and played with his buddy in his wooden clubhouse and rode with him in his little, red wagon. He was having such fun! Much more fun than I ever had with my bootleg 5-dollar wannabe Barbie bought from the Chinitos on the corner of 181st and St. Nick. I wanted a buddy! I wanted “my buddy and me to climb up a tree!” even though the only thing to climb in the hood was a fire escape. I wanted “my buddy and me” to be “the best friends we could be!” The commercial was over in seconds and I ran to mami to ask for my buddy. But all I got was a trip to the other Chinotos on 180th and Broadway and another bootleg Barbie. Click here to read the rest of Love Trips: My Drinking Buddy!
I realized the greatness of having a handy dandy buddy at only seven years old. I sat inches away from the television, though mami warned the glare would blind me, when a little blonde boy appeared on the screen. He placed a cute, little, gray hat on his buddy – a freckled face doll with a bowl haircut – and sang: “My buddy, my buddy, my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, he goes!” The little boy swung his buddy around and played with his buddy in his wooden clubhouse and rode with him in his little, red wagon. He was having such fun! Much more fun than I ever had with my bootleg 5-dollar wannabe Barbie bought from the Chinitos on the corner of 181st and St. Nick. I wanted a buddy! I wanted “my buddy and me to climb up a tree!” even though the only thing to climb in the hood was a fire escape. I wanted “my buddy and me” to be “the best friends we could be!” The commercial was over in seconds and I ran to mami to ask for my buddy. But all I got was a trip to the other Chinotos on 180th and Broadway and another bootleg Barbie. Click here to read the rest of Love Trips: My Drinking Buddy!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Love Trips: Ooh, Ah, Ooh, Ah???
Before having sex with men for the first time, women fantasize about the magical moment for hours and hours on end. I, particularly, lay in bed surrounded by candles and aromatherapy, visualizing the romantic, passion-filled moment: the sweet caresses of my face and the small of my back; the soft tug of my hair and my lower lip; the feeling of a wet tongue heating up my body there and there and there and there and there! Click on the title to read the rest of Love Trips: Ooh, Ah, Ooh, Ah???
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Love Trips: Sujeiry’s International House of Hombres
The International House of Pancakes is well known for their creativity with pancakes, boasting a menu of pancakes smothered with oats and corn meal, filled with bananas or chocolate chip cookies and covered in powdered sugar. They all sound scrumptious, and the chefs are definitely inventive, but none of these meals are really international. There’s no mangu con sebollas y queso frito on the menu to satisfy a Dominican man’s hunger; no paninis for Italians to saver with a “Mangia!”; no miso to satiate the Japanese’s need for soup. All they serve is breakfast inspired from the different regions of the good US of A.
This lack of internationalism is similar to the selections listed on my menu at Sujeiry’s International House of Hombres. Click here to read the rest of Love Trips: Sujeiry's International House of Hombres!
Sujeiry
This lack of internationalism is similar to the selections listed on my menu at Sujeiry’s International House of Hombres. Click here to read the rest of Love Trips: Sujeiry's International House of Hombres!
Sujeiry
Friday, June 27, 2008
Love Vice with Jeiry: Back To The Ex
Dear Jeiry,
For the last few months I've been involved with someone who for a lack of better words was who I believed to be my Prince Charming. Now, I usually don't fall fast, but after being wined and dined on romantic and thoughtful dates, I fell. And with our deep conversations and sweet text messages that were exchanged I really was beginning to feel as if he could possibly be "the one" you read and hear about. However, despite my nose being so wide open, I had a nagging suspicion that something wasn't right.
Click on the title to read the rest of Love Vice with Jeiry: Back To The Ex!
For the last few months I've been involved with someone who for a lack of better words was who I believed to be my Prince Charming. Now, I usually don't fall fast, but after being wined and dined on romantic and thoughtful dates, I fell. And with our deep conversations and sweet text messages that were exchanged I really was beginning to feel as if he could possibly be "the one" you read and hear about. However, despite my nose being so wide open, I had a nagging suspicion that something wasn't right.
Click on the title to read the rest of Love Vice with Jeiry: Back To The Ex!
Friday, June 06, 2008
Love Trips: Fucking Babies
I'm not a big fan of babies. They shriek and poop so much churia that not even the soft, fragrant mix of talcum powder and Johnson and Johnson’s baby cologne masks the foul poopy odor. Plus, their resemblance to prunes and cranky grandparents is creepy and simply unnatural.
ut these are only minor annoyances compared to their blatant selfishness. Babies expect me to function with five hours of sleep or less AND cater to their needs. They demand I spend my hard earned cash on luxuries like diapers and onesies and bottles and cereal. And to make my already wasted mind more mummified, they press me with their whiny coos to switch from a juicy Greys Anatomy episode to Dora. I hate that fucking bitch. And I need 8-9 hours of sleep and to drink a Raspberry Margarita on a tropical beach!
Fucking babies...
Click on the rest of the title to read the rest of Love Trips: Fucking Babies!
ut these are only minor annoyances compared to their blatant selfishness. Babies expect me to function with five hours of sleep or less AND cater to their needs. They demand I spend my hard earned cash on luxuries like diapers and onesies and bottles and cereal. And to make my already wasted mind more mummified, they press me with their whiny coos to switch from a juicy Greys Anatomy episode to Dora. I hate that fucking bitch. And I need 8-9 hours of sleep and to drink a Raspberry Margarita on a tropical beach!
Fucking babies...
Click on the rest of the title to read the rest of Love Trips: Fucking Babies!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Love Trippin' with Sujeiry: Platanos and Politics
On this episode of "Love Trippin' with Sujeiry", I am competing to be the Voto Latino political correspondent! Things are a little different this time around. Instead of watching my video on my SiTV site you must go to:
Crashparties: Vote for Me for Democratic Correspondent!
Check out my candidacy speech. I rocked the reporter role so well that I am now crowning myself the Dominican Barbara Walters! It is seriously funny! So check it out and VOTE FOR ME, SITV!!!!!!!!!! And it doesnt hurt if EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE IN WEB SURFING LAND VOTES FOR ME TOO!
See you at the convention!
Sujeiry
Crashparties: Vote for Me for Democratic Correspondent!
Check out my candidacy speech. I rocked the reporter role so well that I am now crowning myself the Dominican Barbara Walters! It is seriously funny! So check it out and VOTE FOR ME, SITV!!!!!!!!!! And it doesnt hurt if EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE IN WEB SURFING LAND VOTES FOR ME TOO!
See you at the convention!
Sujeiry
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Love Trips: Forever, ever?
How do you feel about "forever"? See what Sujeiry thinks on this edition of "Love Trips"!
Love Trips: Forever, ever?
Enjoy!
Love Trips: Forever, ever?
Enjoy!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Get Ready for A Sexy Party!
I am excited to introduce my new venture: Luv, Jeiry Style! I am a Passion Parties® Independent Consultant selling a variety of sexy, exhilaration products, including sex toys (rotating vibrators and cock rings oh my!!!), edible lotions, massage oils, dirty (and romantic) sex games, sugary and tasty body scrubs and powders, and sex books that will expand your minds and well, just be sure to stretch!
If you would like to host a party, email me at:
LuvJeiryStyle@gmail.com
The host invites his/her friends, receives a FREE GIFT, AND gets a DISCOUNT on whatever purchases others make toward their own purchase! You cant loose people! So email me at LuvJeiryStyle@gmail.com to book your party ASAP. It's your choice. You can stay home twiddling your thumbs or you can invite a group of friends to chat about sex and play with dildos, vibrators, and look at dirty books! It is truly a unique and educational experience!!! So get to it! Email me today to book your Passion Party!
Sujeiry Gonzalez
Passion Parties® Independent Consultant
LuvJeiryStyle@gmail.com
If you would like to host a party, email me at:
LuvJeiryStyle@gmail.com
The host invites his/her friends, receives a FREE GIFT, AND gets a DISCOUNT on whatever purchases others make toward their own purchase! You cant loose people! So email me at LuvJeiryStyle@gmail.com to book your party ASAP. It's your choice. You can stay home twiddling your thumbs or you can invite a group of friends to chat about sex and play with dildos, vibrators, and look at dirty books! It is truly a unique and educational experience!!! So get to it! Email me today to book your Passion Party!
Sujeiry Gonzalez
Passion Parties® Independent Consultant
LuvJeiryStyle@gmail.com
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Love Trippin' With Sujeiry: A Warning To Cupid
On this week's Love Trippin' with Sujeiry, S-Jeiry returns with a brand new video. And in true S-Jeiry fashion, there's enough bitterness and violence to go around. So check out "Before He Shoots"... a warning to Cupid!
Love Trippin' with Sujeiry: A Warning to Cupid
Sujeiry
Love Trippin' with Sujeiry: A Warning to Cupid
Sujeiry
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